Hey, buddy. Nothing.
Sorry, habit.
I'm not actually doing anything wrong.
Just checking if I got into ASU.
Without us. Guys!
Get in here. It's happening.
Phil saw videos online
of families celebrating the moment their kid got into college.
For pure drama you can't beat that thing when an entire family's
nervous anticipation turns into an explosion of utter joy.
Come on. Come on, NY.
Oh. Aw.
Notre!
Damn. Mmm.
Alrighty. Here we go and record and...
"Welcome to Arizona State..."
It's happening!
"Welcome to Arizona State's Admissions portal.
"We regret to inform you..."
Aw.
Oh. No.
Well, don't leave us in suspense. What did they say?
Hey. I just peeked in on Lily
and guess who she was curled up with on her bed.
If it's not the cat I'll be really upset
about how you are teasing this out.
I love that she has a pet that she is
so close to like I was with my pet pig Lily.
Still no guilt I see after tricking me
into naming our daughter after bacon.
I was very close to that pig,
for heaven sakes, I still have her ashes in the garage.
True.
I recently started exercising in the garage
and on the first day I... I dropped a couple of pounds.
I knew Mitchell was lying.
I was just giving him the opportunity to come clean.
I'd discovered the urn was empty.
Lily?
You know, I was thinking tonight maybe we could bury the ashes
in the backyard after we get back from your dad's.
It's a perfect night to pay tribute.
But, why?
The pig moon. I am sorry, one more time.
The pig moon. Every 18 years the moon takes on a pink hue
and it aligns with Orion.
It's a huge deal back home.
There is a festival. They empty out
all the jails as a sign of goodwill.
So are we having like a ceremony tonight?
Yes, sweetie.
But, don't we have grandpa's?
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Well, you know what,
we are always looking for a credible reason to leave early.
So, what are we supposed to say?
No. No dessert for us. We gotta get home.
We gotta bury the 25 year old ashes of a Brunswick King Sow.
Wow. Nice attitude. It is almost like you
want pig moon John to fill your hunting boot with coal.
This is so slow.
If you're on the Pritchetts Closet's
website we are aware of slow down.
It's either hacked by the Chinese,
or the Chinese hack I hired to fix the website.
No, I'm trying to get the tickets for
tonight's Gloria Estefan concert.
It is a little on the nose.
Mom, it happened again.
Jay, sit down here and pay attention.
You have to move fast when it is your turn
or they'll move to the next person.
Joe, this is exactly
why we are not giving you a knife until you turn six years old.
I missed the days when people stood in actual lines.
If you weren't willing to stand in the rain,
you didn't get to see Gary Puckett & The Union Gap.
Ow! Dammit!
What? It was one second.
Okay, give it back to me.
No need. I got them.
Oh really, and you paid?
Yeah, you got your browser filling out your credit card info.
Not super secure but, whoever steals
will probably spend less than you.
Oh, beautiful morning.
I joke because I have been accepted at the BU.
Manny, I am so proud of you.
I'm six for six. So many suitors. Not sure what to choose from.
I feel like Lady Mary in the last season of Downton Abbey.
I'd avoid the big football schools.
And tonight we are going to celebrate,
we are going to a concert. I got the tickets online.
Easier than buying them at the venue, I guess.
What is the venue by the way?
You can't buy them at the door.
It's a private concert. It's just for the fan club.
I remember our first Gloria Estefan concert.
You were so little.
Sitting on my shoulder. Holding the lighter.
I am gonna leave.
Yes, before I know it.
No, right now. I obviously need something to wear tonight.
Okay, I will go with you.
What a great idea. Go make a day of it.
No, no. Wait, wait. I can't got to mall
wearing my house heels.
What a good excuse to buy a nice pair of new ones.
That's why I love you.
Always remember that.
Thank you so much. Mrs. Pasternak.
I'm sure you are wondering why I want these ashes.
Not really. But I'm gonna need the urn back.
Gonna turn it into a lamp.
Hello, Mitchell.
Oh, God!
Is everything okay? You are looking a little ashen.
Fine, I accidentally spilled pig Lily's ashes.
I thought I would...
You would, just replace them with Morris Pasternak's?
How did you know?
His class ring is by your foot.
Oh yeah.
That pig was my best friend.
Didn't you eat her mother?
You have no respect for anything that's important to me.
My whole upbringing is just a big joke to you.
Dad, I was thinking about the pig moon funeral tonight
and how important Lily was to you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
You definitely inherited her compassion.
Remember that finger painting that I made of her.
The one you said that was museum quality.
Can we bury it with her?
I know exactly where it is.
I know exactly where it was.
It's an email for Luke from my alma mater. Let's get him...
No, no, no. No, what if it is more bad news?
Maybe you should read it first.
Claire, I am as anxious as you are to find out if he going to be
a Bulldog like his old man. But we can't violate his trust.
Sure, we can mark it as unread to cover our tracks but we'd know...
He didn't get in.
What? He's a legacy.
Bulldog drool courses through his jowls.
I know. And it is his seventh rejection.
He is going to so disappointed.
And embarrassed. We have that dinner at Jay's tonight.
I bet Manny got in everywhere.
Oh, God.
Is this it? Is Luke not going to college?
It's not over.
Delete. What you doing?
I am driving up there to tell them they made a mistake.
They'd be lucky have a kid like Luke.
Well, I guess, it can't hurt him.
It's not like they can super reject him.
Although, Michigan did use that exact term.
You are on Caliente 96.3 with Diego and the Donkey.
Hello. Yes.
I am calling about the Gloria Estefan tickets.
They're all yours if you can complete this lyric.
Turn the blank around. Mmm.
One of her biggest hits from the '90s.
We've been playing it all morning.
Turn the car around.
No, two more guesses.
Turn the boat around.
Try again.
Turn the economy around.
You're an ass.
Dammit!
Wow, I just got super accepted to Michigan.
He is the second Delgado to go to college.
My cousin, went to the best medical school in Colombia.
They will not just accept any cadaver.
Okay, mom. Let's go.
Wait. You remember when your head was this tiny.
Okay, mom. I think I'm set for hats.
I know when a female is about to burst into tears.
I've seen it enough times.
I had to keep my mom away from anything
that reminded her I was moving away.
And keep myself away from Williams Sonoma.
I could lose an afternoon.
A pet store. These are fun.
I think he misses his mommy.
He'll forget about it by the time we get to the car.
On second thought, let's catch a movie.
They always help keep your mind off of things.
Oh.
Wait, officer, no. My car is only here
because I was being responsible.
I was babysitting my Uncle Joe,
and got too drunk to drive home.
What is this thing?
The Barnacle.
They stick it on your car when you have unpaid parking tickets.
I couldn't let my parents see it because I knew they would just
overreact and lecture me about being irresponsible.
And I couldn't pay it to remove it
because I maxed out my credit card
on this insanely expensive pair of sunglasses.
I don't love them.
I just had to recreate Lily's painting of pig Lily
and she'd be none the wiser.
Ugh! It's like, painting with sausages.
Sorry, Cam. No pig painting by Lily here.
I do have some random scribbles Luke made when he was...
Huh. It's a little later than I hoped.
Fine. Not a word of this to Mitchell. I'm sure you are curious why.
Wrong again.
Oh, you're the first one here.
Don't worry. We don't have to make conversation.
Ooh! A scrap book.
Aw, look at this. All our old school projects.
Paintings by me and Claire.
Aw! You're just a big softy, aren't you?
My lawyer's secretary put that
together for my image at the divorce trial.
There is the old bear. Grr!
Oh, this is from my eighth birthday. I made mom throw me a party
with the whole farm theme.
You know what? I need this.
Cam thinks I looked down on his
farm life. This will prove to him...
This comes at a price. You can get me Gloria Estefan tickets, right?
Dad, that is offensive. Not every gay
person is connected to Gloria Estefan.
But, you are, right?
It's complicated.
Cam, briefly dated a member of Gloria Estefan's band.
The Miami Sound Machine. He doesn't talk about it much.
Just whenever someone mentions her or Miami.
Or humidity.
Well, when I get the tickets, you get the picture.
Mean.
Hey, hey. How would you feel about
asking Cam to use his connections
to get two Gloria Estefan tickets for
tonight and secretly giving to me?
I will do it, but I need you to help me with my car first.
I'd ask my parents but...
They wouldn't understand
and it's not your fault. Okay, let's go.
Are we sure this is the best way to do this?
All we have to do is make sure that
my parents don't see if I'm moving it down the street.
Okay. I'm your eyes. Okay. Hold on.
Hug the curb. Haley, all right.
Straighten out. Turn on your hazards.
The wind shield wipes.
You are on my leg. Move. Ah!
Oh, God. There is a tree. Oh!
All right. Let's just breathe. Just take a moment.
Just get off my leg.
I am not.
Are we going backwards? You put us in reverse.
Okay hit the brake. That is the gas.
How do you have a license?
I can't move. You are on my leg.
Okay. Good first try.
Can't believe you didn't treat yourself to a Bulldog Blast.
Isn't that basically sugar, ice,
and the stuff that they use to cover the Blue Man Group?
Hi. Hi.
We are here to see the Dean of Admissions.
We called. We are the Dunphys.
I will tell Dean Hinton that you are here.
Hinton?
Yes. Dean Rudolf Hinton.
I have a bad feeling.
Well, honey, you did just have two of those anti-freezes.
No. Rudy Hinton. We were classmates. Super annoying.
Always on. We cheered together.
We tumbled together. We rolled around together,
but we were never close.
When I say bull you say dog.
Bull.
Dog.
Hey, Rudy. This is my wife, Claire.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Pleasure. Wow.
Please come on in.
Ah! Great trampoline.
Thanks.
I like to bounce at least 20 minutes a day.
It's where I get my best ideas.
How quirky.
Oh, hey, Phil. We were national senior year Cleveland, Ohio.
Can you imagine putting up with this for years on end?
It's hard.
Say what. I will give it some bounce time and hit you back with an answer.
Listen. You seem busy. I'll get straight to it.
Our son Luke applied and didn't get in.
And I think it's worth reconsidering.
He is a great kid. He's just a late bloomer.
Okay. I think we can make something happen for your boy.
Really?
Yeah. We let in way worse applicants than him.
Rudy. Thank you. You are the B-E-S-T best.
No problemo. I will just, uh... Hey.
While you are here, I always wanted to ask you something.
You remember that magic trick you used to do
when you got out of a straitjacket blindfolded?
Burns Humbug. Yeah.
That one.
How do you do it?
Magic. I feel like... No, no. Really,
I've been trying to figure it out for years.
I'm sorry. It's not customary for a magician to reveal his secrets.
It's also not customary for a Dean of Admissions
to alter an applicant status. So...
I'll go get the straitjacket from the nurse.
You're gonna do it, right?
I don't know. Let me bounce on it.
Phil.
Sweetheart.
Phil.
Honey, you can't possibly be struggling with this decision.
Do you know what happens to magicians who reveal their secrets, Claire?
They're shunned. Hasn't that happened already?
Listen. I possess knowledge from the ancient Egyptian conjurers
to the prestidigitators of the Dark Ages
to the amateur illusionists of today.
I'm worried about another trick.
I am trying to make our son disappear
to a barely accredited four year college.
Hey. Here we are. That's it.
Go ahead. Put these on.
No, no. In here.
I wanna make sure I get this. I wanna see everything.
Okay. Mmm. I got it.
I didn't quite grasp what I was asking Phil to do but, um...
It got weird.
Okay. All right.
Whenever you are ready.
Wait. This isn't going on the Internet, is it?
No, it's just for me.
The challenge with this escape is
releasing the shackles in the correct order,
baring yourself gradually.
More upbeat to the patter.
What? I wanna hear the old patter.
Blindfold him.
Take it. Yes!
Sir...
Um...
Phil, honey. You don't have to do this.
Luke can join the army. It's okay.
I may be locked up, but my mind is free.
Imagine yourself in a museum filled with world's oddities...
No, no, no, no, no. Slow down.
Enjoy it. And turn around so I can get a good look at the back.
I wanna see the back.
Behold, the freak. For all...
...to see.
Go get my tickets.
Is my hair a mess? It's so humid out.
You wanna talk about humidity, I once spent a steamy weekend
with a certain member of the Miami Sound Machine.
That's crazy. Do you know that they're in town tonight?
What? Can you get me two tickets?
Oh, my God. These hands.
They are so small and delicate like a child.
I know. This watch came from an American Girl doll.
Are you gonna hook me up or what?
Yes, yes. Just as soon as you and your tiny little hands
recreate a painting for me.
This way.
What do you think? I was going for dark and mysterious,
but I am afraid I circled right back to cute and approachable.
Oh...
Aw. She is so lucky. He is always going to be her little boy.
Mom, you are projecting on these mannequins.
For all we know he is a little person and that's his wife
whose evolved enough to see how big he is on the inside.
Manny, I know what you been trying to do the whole day.
I'm not about to have a break down because you're going to college.
I was awake last night when you were brushing my hair.
Okay, yes. It's going to be hard because,
you are going to be far away
so I'm not gonna get to see you all the time.
But, we'll still talk on the phone.
Yeah, at the beginning, but then you are gonna get busy
and then I'm going to get busy.
Too busy to take my calls?
I've made peace with it.
Your childhood days are over.
Guillermo. Come back here.
What you doing? Don't run away from your mother.
Life is going to tear you apart soon enough.
I wanna go on the Merry-Go-Round.
Oh, you're on it. You got 10 years left with that woman.
Cherish them. Cherish her.
Thanks?
I think maybe I am freaking out about going to school.
I see that.
But we are going to be okay.
Being apart is just gonna make nights
like tonight going to a concert even more special.
No. I don't want to. Guillermo.
Okay, now that's just bad parenting.
This is excellent work. Excellent work.
Really? I am not used to hearing that.
I get what people try now.
Is that my painting. Why is it here?
Well, because it was on loan to your grandma and grandpa.
Just like they do with real art.
Better than most of the stuff in this house.
Now get me those Gloria Esteban tickets.
It's Estefan.
That's what I said. I am a huge fan.
Okay. Carlos. Carlos.
Hey, Carlos. Um, this is Cameron Tucker.
I don't know if you remember me or not. You do, okay all right.
Wondering if I could get a couple tickets for the show tonight.
Gloria Estefan.
Because you are in the Miami Sound Machine, silly.
What?
It was loud in the bar the night I met Carlos.
And it turns out he is...
...not a member of the legendary band the Miami Sound Machine.
He owns a mobile dog grooming business
called Miami's Hound Machine.
In retrospect, I didn't need to be as alarmed with his
collections of leashes and collars.
Okay, everybody. Gather around.
Luke has one more college to hear from and I got a good feeling
about this one. Yeah.
Mom, can we not do this here.
Oh, come on. Have a little faith.
Okay, cannons ready. And record.
Record that. Anytime, buddy.
All right, everyone. Get ready to tell me how I'm my own kind of smart
and how everyone takes their own path and...
Wow.
You're a different kind of smart...
...and everybody...
I got in?
What?
He got in. He got in!
You got in! What is wrong with this thing?
Wait. This doesn't make any sense.
I got rejected by worse schools than this. Why would they want me?
Why wouldn't they want you? Honey, it's not all about grades.
I mean, you were involved in...
Yeah!
Did you talk to them?
I am sorry, what?
Show me your tongue. I don't know what that will prove.
This kinda seems like an embarrassing family moment.
I am on it.
Blue! You can't get to that campus without getting a Bulldog Blast.
We went out to tell them they made a mistake.
They didn't make a mistake. Neither did the other schools.
I'm not going. Honey, this is your last chance.
Then I will wait till next year.
If I go I want to deserve it.
I can respect that.
Nobody asked for your opinion. Thank you. You're going.
You have no idea what your father went through to get you this opportunity.
He debased himself in ways you can't imagine.
You said it wasn't that bad.
What are you watching?
Our neighbor sent me a video. It's of Haley and Mitchell.
Oh, that we don't need to...
You take forever! I am trying hard as I can.
Oh! You got one of those things
on your windshield. How many parking tickets do you have?
I think we are focused on the wrong thing here.
Luke's not going to college.
Why is your finger pink?
This isn't mine. I knew the perspective was off.
It's Cam's fault. He made me copy it from a photo.
You know what, I accidentally
destroyed the original and I couldn't live without it.
Mitchell Pritchett, Parenting Magazine.
How is forging a child's painting
any less egregious just than replacing
a pig's ashes with Mrs. Pasternak's dead husband?
It's not. I am a hypocrite. My whole life is a lie.
Carlos isn't really in the Miami Sound Machine.
He's just a basic dog groomer.
Save your money. I couldn't get your tickets.
You are spending money on tickets when you should be spending on tickets.
You know what I mean.
The concert tickets were for Mitchell.
So you didn't get my tickets. No.
So you didn't get my tickets!
The website was insane. You need the reflexes of a mongoose.
You lied to me.
Well, and look around. Everybody is lying.
Forging paintings. Driving blind. Swapping ashes.
I didn't want to ruin the pig moon.
There is no pig moon.
How backwards do you think Grasshopper, Missouri is?
What are we talking about here?
I got this. Guys!
I talked to Judge Thegary.
He will make your parking tickets disappear.
In return for a couple of Cubans.
You took three.
The other one is for the security guard at the club.
He moonlights where Estefan's playing tonight.
He will meet you by the stage door.
Thank you for fixing Jay's lies.
We all struggle with the truth.
Like last Thursday when I stalled Jay at the club so you could
get Joe out of the doggy door.
She locked us out and the stove was on.
And you two.
Do you know a guy at the club that could help us?
No, just talk more.
90% of your problems will be solved if you just discuss things.
The Vanderkolff is a knock-off.
I burned a hole in the knock-off and had replaced it with a real one.
Okay, everything is settled here.
I think the steaks are ready. Let's go eat.
Well, I guess our son isn't going to college this year.
I know. I know we are supposed to be worried about him but...
Do you see what he just did, how he solved everybody's problems like that.
It's pretty incredible, right?
That's a Dunphy man, Claire. Resourceful, cool,
and just the right amount of savoir faire...
I will, uh... I will see you at the kitchen.
So this is a real Vanderkolff.
Yeah. It feels good to finally be free of that secret.
Yeah, it's just great to have everything out in the open.
Yeah.
That expensive painting you bought me over there.
I moved it to cover up a hole I made on the wall.
I only paid 25 cents for that painting at a garage sale
and I used the rest of the money on shoes.
I get electrolysis. My beard grows up to here.
I don't really know how to line dance, and that's why those cowboys
laughed at you when you did what I taught you.
That's not Larry. That's not Larry.